A new member of my team has arrived. We've been prepared for this day by our leader for the past two months. I looked at his photo and didn't think anythin of it, Then one day I sent him a welcome email, just out of the blue. I don't know why I did that, just a fluke I guess.
He's here now and he looks way better than his picture. My attraction to him is inexplicable, especially since I think he's married. Now our team leader has paired us up for a new project. Gulp!
I don't think this is anything at all. Maybe I'm just in need of male attention, and have projected all my naughty desires on him. That's all this is.
I am determined to finish my book by the end of 2012. This is a new venture for me, non-fiction writing. Many have suggested, including my psychologist to give it a whirl. Some days words just flow, other days I struggle, like today. To confuse me even more, I started writing scenes for my never ending sc
I had already decided early on that screen writing may not be for me anymore. So I'm trying my hand at book writing. My work involves a lot of technical writing and it's been great. Boring, but great. I comfort myself with the knowledge that at least I get paid to write, and I get paid well. Maybe my brain has lost all of its mojo in the two years of writing product desc
Speaking of emails, I'm so good at writing work emails that I've been receiving positive attention from a number of folks. Apparently they love the direct approach, keeping it simple style and the "no more than 3" rule. In other words, if this conversation is going to take more than 3 emails, pick up the damn phone!
I appreciate all the flattery, but I am a bit confuse. I see this type of writing as cold, curt and condescending. But hey if it works, why rock the boat.
Now if only I could infuse the same positive energy into my book ...
I finished it.
I finished writing my article. I finished writing my query letter to the editor. Having done that, I went back and read an old blog I started in 2008, dusted it off and polished it. I then re-wrote my query letter to include the old blog. Went through my day semi-conscious, most of my thoughts were on my writing, the changes I made, and the letter I wrote to the editor.
Without meaning to, I went back to my computer and completely changed my query letter to exclude the original article, and just talked about the old blog, with a proposition! Where did this come from? Some days I just surprise myself, and this is one of them.
So now I'm sitting here, feeling nervous about sending it. Should I? What the heck, why not? Maybe Wed...I'll spend time with my son tomorrow, give it another look over on Tue and send it on Wed. Yeah...Wed...sounds good...
Anything! Write anything!
I have everything I need in my hands, and more. My ideas are flowing right after the another. I see beautiful words connecting with each other effortlessly. All I have to do is capture them on paper.
So what's the problem? I don't know. If I did, I would've fixed this by now. I start, stop then turn away. Off to something else, work my ass on a project I don't like. Yet here it is, my big chance and I'm procrastinating. How do I make myself write? It may look like I'm writing, as I write this blog, but I'm not. I'm talking about writing for money, where editors read it and judge. Aha! Maybe that's it. Maybe it's the fear of being judged, my work rejected by the experts of the field.
Whatever the reason, I've made it my goal to write ONE PAGE by the end of tomorrow. That's all...just one. I can do that, can't I?
There are some things in this planet I just cannot comprehend...and EP has graciously given me a glimpse of some of them.
I thought I was pretty jaded with some of these things like death, suicide, murder. But EP has shown me that there is so much more out there. Some of the things I've read, correction...glanced at, just make me cringe to the point that I am considering going back to church. What happened to people? Are we that ugly?
Even without my disorder, I most likely would still have opted for medication. It's the only way to get through the ugliness.
Wish I could say I was having too much sex...
Food! I had breakfast around 10 and walked with my friend to the theater. It took us an hour, but the brisk pace in the cold air was refreshing. After the movie, we walked back and this is where I made a huge mistake. By now it's 1:30pm and I was starving. I should've ate something before leaving, at least a bottle of water. But noooo, I had to challenge myself and walked all the way back for an hour on an empty stomach. I was so hungry, I swear my insides were shaking.
Finally we arrived at a Starbucks and I ordered more food than I would normally consume, and ate it! In like 2 minutes! I went home groggy, and immediately fell asleep. I woke up to see that I missed the call I've been waiting for and my left lower abdomen is hurting. Yes, I am feeling crabby.
I hope this pain goes away soon...
If you're a doctor and reading this, please comment.
I've been participating in this research study and today was one my routine appointments. Draw blood, do the questionnaire, do other tests and a little pocket money at the end of the visit. The big boss has been sweet on me the last few times I've been in. Today was nothing new.
He asked if I was seeing anyone, been out on dates lately, said I looked good and how much he enjoys talking to me. When we did the questionnaire about stress, we talked about my divorce, my ex and he in turn shared his life story.
I admit that there was a time in the past when I considered batting my eyes at him, maybe show a little encouragement. I haven't had intimacy for quite some time so why not grab the opportunity by the horns. Is this even ethical? Maybe not, but I don't really care. I enjoy male attention just like any healthy straight woman. However, the past few weeks I've been thinking about former BF, praying about former BF and so on. So today, when I saw big boss and his shiny white teeth, it sort of reminded me of the big bad wolf in the fairy tale, Little Red Riding Hood.
What was I thinking? To even consider "going there." I smile and answer the questions, but this man leaves me cold. I was hopeful, but nope...it seems I'm still carrying a torch for BF.
I've been a member of EP for almost two years and I have yet to write about me on my profile.
Just talking about my two sisters has made me realize how different I am from them. I have an older and younger sister. Yep, I'm the middle child, the odd duck. These two have worked and lived in the same industry all their life. They are doing what they love the most, and are good at it. Their cash flow is consistent with a few bad breaks here and there. They both did a couple of years in college, dropped out and instead opted for some kind of design trade school and apprenticeship. While my older sis prefers the subdued, somewhat 60's look, my younger one sashays with her bold colors, always making a statement.
Between them...is me. You'll find me in jeans and a tank top almost all the time. If it's cold, I'll put on a sweater or jacket. Flip flops, sandals, flats are my preference. When it's hot, I wear cut-off jeans...just love them denims. I only wear make-up when I have to and minimum jewelry, I can't do without earrings. I have my BA and then some. My income fluctuates from one extreme to the other, but somehow I always make it work. I've been to Europe and stayed at high-end hotels (on my tab), and I've slept in the cold floors during war time in Macedonia.
My sisters...they talk, I write. They sing, I dance. They have flings and casual relationships, while my shortest relationship was 2 years. They have purchased property while I'm still in an apt (thanks to my ex-husband and laws of the land). They are now in what seem like happy marriages with good men, while I'm finishing up a divorce.
They have no children, I have a son.
Yet I don't consider myself any less or have any more than they do. I simply consider myself blessed.
I couldn't finish reading the fashion mag I just purchased. It's a struggle, just doesn't hold my attention for more than a few minutes. I flip through the fashion pages quickly, glance at the articles about orgasm and men, then flip through more pages. One story I read in full was about an artist whose mother wanted her dead. That is the extent of my interest.
Problem is, I'm about to submit an article to one of these fashion mags. I wanted to be able to say "yes, I've read your mag and I especially enjoyed the bit about the murdering mother...." hmm, maybe I should add more to that. To make things worse, one editor suggested I look into their UK version. Torture...
I've been told I have good sense of style, apply my make-up better than most and always up to date on health and beauty tips. How do I do it? I've been blessed with two sisters who are so into the fashion world. My younger sis is all about clothes and purses, while my older sis is all about beauty and health. They're both very much into shoes. They spread the knowledge to everyone regardless of the non-existent interest. Sometimes I do perk up and say "hey, I like those pants..."
But now I find myself in unfamiliar territory and immersing myself in fashion leaves me exhausted.
The new guy did come back and talked to me. He said I'm hot, and I'm just smiling from ear to ear. While I do get my fair share of compliments, it's not often that I respond emotionally. This man in my running group, my running mate...he's different. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, they're all fascinating at first. So we'll see where this goes. At least there's physical attraction, we're both single and in the same age range. He also possess many qualities I admire in a man.
Need to get ready and head out for Father's Day ... I'm running late and not because I have so much to do. Took my time waking up, fixed eggs and sausage for breakfast, getting distracted with all sorts of things. Basic dilly dallying. Checking the clock, I definitely need to get a move on.
To show that I'm a real dork, I own a pink shirt that says "Ice Cream Tester Abuser" and wear it to Baskin Robbins.
Bankruptcy Law SUCKS! I chose this field because it pays the most, and there's more demand than supply. But OMG it's so so boring. From time to time, I come across interesting ones, but 90% of the time, it's just boring.
I hate shopping for food. Wait ... I hate shopping!
Now that I have a child, I HAVE to march my butt to the grocery and buy food. I'm procrastinating because I don't really want to go. It is now 8pm, maybe there won't be that many people at the supermarket so I best put some shoes on and get going.
However, one store I do like to shop in, at any time of the day, even on a weekend is Bristol Farms. Hmmm maybe there's one close by ...
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I just found out that one of my med's side-effect is uncontrolable anger. Oh god how frustrating! As I type this, my anger has now progressed to depression. I did have a margarita last night and wonder if this triggered it. Left a message for my psych doc, hopefully she'll be able to find a solution. There is hope...Wellbutrin CR instead of the one I'm taking which is Wellbutrin XL.
I am like two people. My mind is recognizing that this is "not me," and as I'm having these feelings, I try to think rationally. Picture this, I'm crying like its the end of the world, yet I'm in front of the computer typing on this forum. Now is that mental or what? I was suppose to pick up my son from daycare an hour ago and have some quality time with him, but now I have to wait until 5pm, make sure I am under control. So exhausting.
With my son, even when I'm like this, I can still function. Feed him, give him a bath. But I can't interact normally and I know he can sense this, because he is less animated. My son is only 1 yr old and he is the love of my life. I don't want him to be affected by this.
There's really nothing else to do but wait until it passes...and yes, this too shall pass.
My mood: extremely frustrated
Previous PostsConfuse again ... this time with a man, posted January 13th, 2013
Brief, clear and concise, posted November 6th, 2012
Unexpected Change, posted November 14th, 2010
Please write something..., posted October 31st, 2010
And I'm the one on meds..., posted October 31st, 2010
Too much, too soon..., posted October 24th, 2010
An Admirer? I hope not..., posted October 6th, 2010
Somewhat me..., posted October 3rd, 2010
Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Elle..., posted October 3rd, 2010
Running Mate, posted August 22nd, 2010
Writer Not Writing, posted July 23rd, 2010, 2 comments
Noted Difference, posted June 20th, 2010, 2 comments
Card Making from The Greeting Farm, posted June 19th, 2010
A real dork, posted June 2nd, 2010
Bankruptcy Law, posted June 2nd, 2010
Super Super Market, posted May 31st, 2010, 3 comments
The Cable Guy, posted May 4th, 2010
Living with Medication, posted July 10th, 2009, 3 comments
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